Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm Struggling...

I realized today that it is fairly easy to "open up" on a blog if what you share with the public is causal life stuff (you know my standard blog entry). What's difficult is to openly lay before others the real life stuff that looks terribly ugly. And yet, that's what I feel lead to do.

What's so ugly about where I'm at right now is the gapping emotional wounds that have been inflicted. I want cleansing and healing for them, the last thing I would like is for them to become infected, but I'm still in a state of shock over the events.

To summarize a long and sordid tale I will say that I met up recently with an old friend of mine. We had been very close at one time, even having our own version of a relationship (there was often great physical distances between us that complicated the relationship). During our visit together some things were said and done that was okay for our past together, but not acceptable when I learned yesterday that he was dating someone and had been during our visit together.

I don't know what hurts more, that he brought me into that kind of situation, where I would be party to causing tremendous pain to another third party. Or that he's changed so much over the years that he didn't seem to find issue with his behavior. Even now, there is such a physical pain I experience when I write that last sentence.

Over the years I've known him, I've seen his relationship with the Lord take a wild ride; ups and downs and sharp turns along the way. Yet, I've always held hope and faith for him, that he would return to a sweet relationship with Jesus. Lately, I've been optomistic in our conversations, knowing that he was searching again. Then this happens. Now, the pain I experience is the shattering death of hope.

This isn't how it should be though. God is our hope and salvation. For that reason I want to hold onto hope that my friend will turn his life back to God. That he will stop looking into other relationships for the answers, into his work, or even the other many distractions that this world has to offer.

So, even though I feel pain now, I ask for it to be replaced by hope.

Also, I've come to the decision after these events that I'm more of a stumbling block to this man than I am a helper. That's not a position I ever wanted to be in, so I'm removing myself from the picture. I've told him how I feel, and forgiven what needs to be forgiven. Thus closing my involvement in his life. I pray that the Lord will use me outside of our relationship, and that one day I might hear all is well.

Thank you reading the ugly as well as the beautiful parts of my life. And for your prayers.


Stacey said...

I am praying for you my friend, For healing and peace.
Also I am so bummed we did not get to talk the other night I was downstairs watching a movie and I forgot to take my phone with me. I just got the message yesterday as my phone failed to let me know I had a new message.
Just know you are in my heart and my prayers,
Loves S

Jesse, Christa and Marshall said...

I'm sorry for your hurt. You're in my prayers.

Pen Pen said...

I've been going thru some personal stuff too that I don't want to say out loud. I'm so sorry ur hurting! It seems that we can only make the choices we think are best at the time and then look back and see whether they ended up coming out well or not--BUT--I've also discovered that I'm able to recognize any similar situations in my or my friend's lives and advise them on how mine ended up and all the decisions I made-as well as what I'd change if I could go back.
I would never want to go back and deal with all of it over again, but the knowledge I have in extremely valuable to me! :)